The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia’s Curse Upon Rural America

All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe
Atrocious Mechanized Crap

A Silly Toy Of Neurotic Middle Aged Rich Toffs Investing Needlessly

Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Unfortunately De-valuates Immediately
Another Useless Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Born Moderately Wealthy
Bring More Wrenches
Broke Man Walking
Bavarian Meat Wagon

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

Company Highly Recommends You Start Learning Engine Rebuilding
Can’t Have Refund, You’re Stuck Leasing Edsel’s Replacement

Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

Every Day Something Else Leaks

Fantastically Expensive, Rarely Runs And Ridiculously Italian

Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

Good Engineering Overlooked

General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

Garage Man’s Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars

Gas, Tires, Oil

Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles

Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive…

Huge Undeveloped Machine Manifests Expensive Repairs.

Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket

Leaks Oil, Thorough Upgrade Soon

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Mechanized Garbage
Money Guzzler

Might Go Backwards
Most Gears Broken

Might Go Forward

My Intention: Always To Accelerate

Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
My Old Pig Ain’t Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

People On Narcotics Think It’s A Cadillac

Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
The One You Ought To Avoid
Take Off Your Over-sized Tires Asshole

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Virtually Worthless

You can basically divide techs into three major groups ….

Asian import techs are like pediatricians. It’s mostly bumps and bruises, and a lot of preventative medicine. Every once in a while you run across a really sick patient, but even then they are easy to fix because they are made of indestructible.

European import techs are like brain surgeons. They’re expensive, and usually smug. The problem is, if you have some fat fingered gorilla in there, he’s bound to break something, and it’s going to be expensive to fix. So you don’t really have a choice but to put up with the cost and attitude.

Domestic techs are like chiropractors. They don’t own any tools, there is a lot of groaning, and cracking and popping. When they’re done you’re not sure they fixed anything, but apparently you have to pay them anyway.

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget